Parable Road 16 (Guilt)

I am shouting.

A motorcycle roars past the semi I’m riding in.

A van pulls out from the side of the road where it has parked.

I shout again. Louder this time.

Then…and then the motorcycle crashes into the van. Then…and then, me and my co-driver are running toward the accident scene.

The scene replays over and over in my mind.

What could I have done differently?

Was there a way I could’ve prevented the death of that young man?

The forest around me is full of dead wood, fallen leaves, and an atmosphere of peace.

If the forecast is right all this debris of summer will soon be covered over by a blanket of snow.

If only my feelings could be covered over in the same way.

The regret gnaws away inside me.

Tears trickle down my unshaven face.

In a couple of days, I will need to head back out into the world along with all the risk and danger that goes with it.

I just don’t feel ready to face all that again.

Another wave of regret washes over me and I seat myself on a nearby fallen tree. Attempting to regain my composure. That young man had his whole life ahead of him. In one dramatic moment, all the dramatic potential of his life had been snuffed out.

What if we had honked the horn?

Perhaps that would have been enough warning.

Why didn’t we do that?

A large pond stretches out before me.

The water upon it is clear and undisturbed.

Only the wake left by a swimming beaver pollutes the peace of this moment.

Am I overthinking all this?

The air of autumn is crisp and pure.

I breathe in savoring the moment.

I did nothing wrong. The certainty of it is stronger now. I just needed some peace and quiet to think it all through.

The farm needs work.

My wife is at home waiting for my attention.

I need to leave all the guilt here in the forest to be covered by the coming snow. I need to accept the free gift of grace that God has given me and give that same grace to others.

I stand up and survey the colors of the autumn forest around me.

The world is full of trouble and pain but it is also full of beauty. Every day we need to choose what we will focus on.

I’ve been focusing on the wrong things.

I’ve been rehashing things I couldn’t have done anything about.

I’ve been replaying scenes of pain and destruction that I couldn’t have prevented.

That’s just the way it is.

The sound of leaves crunching beneath my feet fills the air as I begin to walk.

I needed this time alone. But now it is time to return to the land of the living.

People need me to be strong and to do the things that only I can do.

I sigh and set my eyes toward the sight of a farm in the distance.

Soon…very soon, it will be time to get back to work.

To be continued…